Recently, my expectation and wishes for daily life have changed.
Last year, I wanted to deepen the spiritual connection I had gotten from the summer vipassana. This lead to questioning a lot of my activities, habits, and friends. Was looking to setup a daily meditation and tai chi practice that never worked out. But I also wanted to learn new skills like guitar and dance, expand my interests and skills. Find, create, grow only the true relationships I want.
This year, new city, new life. Despite being in graduate school, I’m making more money now but only saving around the same amount or less. Money really does buy opportunity.
Now, I actually want to make small talk with people. I want to get to meet new people. Most importantly, I believe it’s possible to meet people anywhere. I hatred going to the bar before because I never met anyone new there. Before, I had this uncompromising sense of authenticity and integrity of truth. Now, I rewrite my past memories, dream the future, and say whoever I feel I am at that moment.
I’m working on the social calibration between others and myself. How I am able to connect with anyone in a good way. To have the trust and confidence to establish shared realities and experiences despite just meeting.
It kind of feels like a higher level of consciousness. And there’s still this lingering doubt occasionally that I’m just fulfilling the insatiable urge of the ego for external acceptance and power, which could be a factor.
There’s a false premise many people including myself often make. I used to think that to be interesting and have others want to share life with me that I would have to impress. And it’s a lot easier to impress people with similar interests. In some ways, I think I took guitar and dance to conquer fear but also to add a shared interest and thereby impress others. There was also this mistake that we show active interest in the other person’s life like a suckup or celebrity fan too early and too much.
But like virtue ethics, it’s more about one’s self-acceptance. A confident, authentic person, sure of himself, radiates joy to others. People operate off of energy and everyone wants to be near the person that radiates positive energy. Sometimes it’s exciting, sometimes it’s comforting, sometimes it tells the harsh truth. But only lower level, insecure people seek out other conformists, cynics, or whatever. A person that does not need other people’s approval is more interesting and desirable. But, this is important, many people act and say they don’t care about others but in fact they do. Their inner insecurity creates this barrier or shield that disqualifies anyone from entering. So, yea, they actively don’t give a shit about other people but they also can’t have any shared experience, any real connection with people. It’s a defensive, pre-emptive tactic based on inner insecurity and/or the belief no one else shares the same interest/”gets me” and/or that it just isn’t possible that anyone could be a potential great relationship.
I mean I have limited success and just starting this new chapter. And in the next chapter, I will see some flaws in this one. But life has been good lately.
I wonder sometimes if it’s a pattern? I had a rough beginning last Fall too and same this year.
