I was watching Michael J. Fox’s new documentary-show tonight exploring optimism. He had a piece on Bhutan, the happiest place on Earth. Overall, a pretty great show. I read his first book a few years ago, Lucky Man, and it sold me.
What is it about suffering and defeat that makes happiness all the more real? Or is the only way?
A fundamental part of happiness is social connections, having friends.
Happiness and optimism are ultimately things within oneself. It is a choice that we make, subconsciously or consciously.
I remember even my freshman year of college being aware of this split dual nature of myself. The pensive, sarcastic, and fault finding deep thinker. Years of mediocre living and loneliness shaping my outlook. But there was also the childlike wonder too with spontaneous laughter for no reason, unbridled optimism, and no concern over the past or future. I felt “good” when I took certain Fox’s classes and favored them more in my college years. I felt good being a McNair scholar with its optimistic message of pursuing excellence, empowering oneself and others.
I remember very vividly finishing what was one of the hardest classes I ever took freshman year, spring semester. I shaked the professor’s hand and walked outside with a joyous grin on my face, nearly dancing and skipping back to my dorm. I remember thinking that this is my ideal me.
I remember coming out of my meditation retreat and watching the rain fall on a glass roof and thinking this was the most beautiful thing in the world. I remember seeing a field of grass move with the wind and thinking wow, this has always been here and I always missed it. I remember in New Orleans, after a hard day of labor, coming back to the church monastery and walking in its courtyard, completely satisfied with my life.
So why do I feel miserable often these days?
Maybe it’s because I no longer have any regular method to ground myself back into reality, where I can just relax and not be so hurried. I no longer have Fox’s classes, McNair, tai chi, or meditation. Maybe, it’s because I don’t have my old friends anymore where we could spend hours just eating dinner and chatting. Maybe, it’s because that I’m more worried than ever about my future now that I don’t know what I want to do.
I’m pursuing online money making avenues this summer, but it doesn’t make me happy. It gives me a sense of direction and meaning. It may even make me feel smart. But it’s a means to an end. My philosophy and religion classes, my meditation practice, my tai chi and etc. were all things that I did for themselves as well as for future betterment. But ultimately, I want to collapse this means and ends into one passion.
I think back to when I’m my ideal self. When I’m most relaxed, joyous, and social. When I’m in “Flow”.
It happens when I feel safe. When I’m not worried that others are looking at me negatively. When I know (or feel) that there’s nothing else in the world that I should be or need to be doing.
And really, that’s it. Safety and being present in the present.
What’s perhaps the most amazing is that I always feel that way after three things.
1) Finishing my last week of a semester and finals
2) After a hour of Tai Chi
3) After a hour of meditation
Well, there’s also alcohol and drugs. But there’s a lot more variance there and seems like less me rather than more me.
What is this focus on productivity rather than happiness? Are they necessarily opposite of each other? I remember a friend telling me how difficult and expensive it is to just live in the US. To just live.
With the breakdown of communities and families, people have become individualized, alone and detached. No safety net, everything is up to you.
I’m not a socialist really. But there is something missing. We are more efficient and we are on the bleeding edge of new technology and science. But something of our soul is missing that people have noted for at least a hundred years now.
My predominant mode of being these days is that sarcastic, closed-up, insecure self. I have a good friend that loves to tell the story of how we meet and how everyone thought I was some weird, quiet kid for so long. Then one day, I just opened up and was the funny, talkative guy. And that story gets repeated so often. It happened when I was a RA. It’s happening now among my graduate program. Except, I don’t think I really opened up to any of them until this last month after a round of drinks.
And maybe this is why I’m so drawn to spirituality, meditation, positive psych, social dynamics, and pickup of girls. It’s about surpassing myself. It’s about overcoming this mental wiring that is insecure, fearful, and shut off from the world. And also why I’m not satisfied with drugs or superficiality or self-help stuff. Because, at the very root of the problem, is this fear of death and meaninglessness. and that’s why i endorse buddhism more so than anything else. the overcoming of meaning, of boredom, of a self that even needs protection or can feel insecure.
I’m a far way off still and yet…the solution is right here in this very moment. I repeat a little mantra, “You are already enlightened fully and completely”. And time stops. Back straightens. Life is ok.
How do I keep this when I approach strangers or even my enemies? This is why I admire MLK or Gandhi over the the smart intellectuals or other worldly saints. I’m not sure if they were as wise and enlightened or not but they definitely kept this sacred treasure even in confronting others.
For now, I have 23 pages to write in less than 24 hours. It’ll get down because it has to. But after tomorrow, a new chapter begins.
