Let’s be completely honest to myself as much as possible.
My utmost desire, more so than anything, is to become like my role models – Fox, P, Osho, Suzuki, Watts, Gandhi, and countless random gurus, spiritual social activists, and so on.
But as it stands, I am very much attached to who I am and who I will become and am not completely open and free to plunge into nothingness, emptiness, zero.
Money matters. Money matters because it always mattered in my life and family. Because family dinners were always interrupted with talks about how the store did today, about a new customer, or bounced check. Because holidays were interrupted by store breakins. Because I had to work for free as a teenager in the store because we didn’t have enough money. Money mattered. And it’s ingrained in me as much as I try to decondition myself from fashion, impulse buying, desiring stupid trends, and fads. Even as I become more frugal, smart consumer, and budget wisely. I take care of my finances because precisely they matter. When I drive to my friend’s place and my car breaks down and the repair bill is $800, money matters and affects my life.
So, I gauge everything by three criteria in no paticular order. Money, health, and social relations. I won’t sell my kidneys and damage my health. Nor would I disown a friend or family for wealth. But would I trade my free time for enough money? Yea, it’s called a hourly wage. Until I find ways to replace my current income streams with new, better ones, I’m stuck with the jobs I have now. IT, graduate school, research assistatnt/teaching assistant, etc.
I want to make a lot of money. Not so that I can buy a big house or nice car but so that I “can feel free” and have, very concretely, more choices available to me. But while the promise of great wealth in a short amount of time is a great motivational factor, it’s not enough for me to want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to make a lot of money, automate it, and pursue my real interests.
I want to break through completely my perspective of self. I don’t know how to even put this into words. But this by far is more important than anything else in my life except perhaps my health and my family. But once that selfhood notion is broken, even those two will likely no longer bug me as much.
I love good friends. I might not be blissful among friends but I am happy among friends.
I’m still very young and I place way too much importance on my daily decisions.
One strange thing is that I feel like I’ve conditioned myself to get over a lot of common fear conditionings. I feel perfectly fine doing a rollercoaster now, skydiving, eating any kind of food, doin whatever. I ask people about skydiving, a lot of ppl talk about fear of doing it. And I wonder why? Rationally, there’s very little chance you’ll die. In reality, you’ll be scared shitless for 30 seconds and then it’s fine. So why not plunge in. Yet, while in belief, I’m fine, in actual situations I still have that instinctual thing kick in that needs to be accepted or overcome. Just like being at a car and knowing you can approach the hottest person there and the worse is you get rejected for 10 seconds yet still cannot do it anyway. In belief, I have no problem approaching the girl but in action my instincts still overcome my consciousness.
I joke with people and say I want to become a motivional speaker instead. It’s only half joking though. I want to be a great preseneter (hence doing toastmasters and thinking of doing improv comedy). I want to learn about psychology, hyponosis, and theraphy. I think a lot of spiritual and mystical teaching is related.
Yet, I am mostly in thought and not action these days. I need more action, more engagement.
I want to learn pickup, I want to learn comedy, I want to learn motivation, I want to be mystic. A lot of that is mind if not al of it.
What is not in my list anywhere right now? Marriage, long term career, traveling, buying/obtaining any certain title or material object. Essentially, I want to transform the person that I am to someone exceptional.
You know I’ve forgotten who I’ve shared this blog with now..I wonder.
And yet…..as Zen, as Osho, as Krishnamurti(s) emphasized so many times, our minds play tricks on us. As much as we say and believe we want X, we sabotage ourselves. Not 100% of us wants X. Instead it’s more like ~50% wants it and the rest doesn’t. Right side, left side brain.
I should be reading instead right now to do my thesis. Sabotage.
I should be working on my internet businesses instead. Sabotage.
I should be sleeping instead so I can wake up early. Sabotage.
ec etc etc
As I type and write, haha, after so many years I can see myself doing these things subconsciously and doing them anyway. Maybe this is why people need coaches and trainers and support networks so badly. Whether it’s starting a business, quitting an addiction or doing a lab.
and really….the only thing is vipassana. fuck, i’m going to boston and doing vipassana. Everything else is second to that.
