I used to want to become everything and anything. Mostly because I was nothing before, at least nothing I liked. Now I realize that’s not possible. Maybe it’s possible to force myself to like things that I initially dislike but what’s the point?
Force myself into liking graduate school, forcing myself to like being home, forcing myself to change my feelings.
I can decide my response but not how I initially feel. In vipassana, the pain, pleasure, and indifference is there no matter what. I can detach my conditioning but I cannot make pain feel like pleasure. But even here there is a paradox.
Sign. I’m tired of coming back home and being depressed. There was a rare year in my memory that home was a haven when college was going badly or so my memory tells me. These days, newark is my haven. But soon that will change and this home has become a living hell to be in. The only good takeaway was meditating with Mom for a few minutes. Who would have thought.
